How are you all doing? it has indeed been a very long time.......hmmmm I missed this space terribly and the fact that I have not been able to write down anything for so long, but I am glad I am back and better.
I recently went through something that no one should experience and I truly have to share my experience because it can help someone somewhere.
I had my first child with a Cesarean section and was advised to wait for 2 years before getting pregnant again to heal properly. I got pregnant again in 2013 and was due to have my baby early March 2014. I was done with my hand-over at work and I was prepared for the maternity leave; as in everything was set and we were ready and waiting for the date to come.
One morning in late January of 2014 (I was 32 weeks gone), after my morning meeting I just realized i had not felt my baby move all through the morning so I called my husband to pick me up and we went to the hospital, saw my gyne and she did a scan............immediately after the scan she didnt say a word to me other than they have to cut me open immediately.....I was praying and hoping for the best, at this time i was so alone because my husband had left to pick up my first child from school and I had to sign all the documents myself. I could not even call my mum or sisters because of the rush, my phone was taken from me and I was given anesthesia. By the time I woke up I was in sooooo much pains and crying out for my baby......I was in pains all through the night.
The next morning when my husband came in, I asked for my baby and he said he's in the incubator. I insisted that I have to see him, they kept on telling me I need to heal first before I can move around, I asked them to bring a wheel chair and take me to the nursery, they ignored me and the nurses basically avoided my room.
Deep down I knew something had happened but I was not ready to accept it. When my mum came to see me, just looking into her eyes I knew.........but she told me she had seen the baby and that he was doing very well. I agreed because I wanted a justification for for my hope. On the third day when I could not stand the suspense anymore and started shouting that they must take me to see my child........that was when the doctor and my husband told me that the baby came out macerated...........Oh how I wept that night, my husband and first child slept with me in the hospital.......sleep was far from me because how do you explain what happened, I had a very healthy pregnancy with no health challenges or complications, I was eating right and using my medication, I have never missed a doctors appointment, as in I did everything by the book......
I left the hospital and came home, I went into the room we had set up for the baby and wept, I felt cheated because we didn't have so much when we had our first child but God has been very good to us in the past years......so we spent so much money getting the room done and ordering stuff from every where, it was pure torture and it took me 3 months before I had the courage to pack up everything.
For days I will sit in the dark and weep, I didn't take calls because I didn't want sympathy from people, for weeks i could not go out because of how I felt people will react towards me.......after staying home for 3 weeks i became bored because my husband had resumed work the previous week, I decided it was time to stop feeling sorry for myself and move on.....There was a lady that visited me, apparently she had the same experience with her first pregnancy, she talked the devil out of me and when she left I stood up to look at myself in the mirror for the first time in weeks......I was in a terrible state, my hair, face, nails; everything was out of place and that was when I snapped out of my misery because I was allowing myself wallow in self pity and there was nothing I could have done to change what had happened.
I took charge of my life and started going out again......a lot of people pretended not to notice that I was no longer pregnant and was not carrying any baby.......then I went back to work, some clients will come around and say "Oh you have had your baby, What did you have and you have resumed work so soon...... Congratulations......the first week at work was pure torture because I was just smiling through the pain all the questions caused me....I would go into the rest room occasionally to shed a few tears.......
Now I am in a happy place and I am getting over it gradually, even though the doctor says I have to wait another year before getting pregnant again, and a lot of others are concerned because I am not a spring chicken anymore (I am in my late 30s) I am not bothered because I believe the report of the Lord. As long as He is and will continue to be on the throne, I will have greater testimonies.
Once in a while when I see a baby.....I tend to remember and say Alvin should be this or that by now (yeah we named him Alvin). I have come to accept the fact that you will never forget no matter how long because a lot of women had shared their experiences with me; even after 10.....20 years you always still remember.....
We gain knowledge from our loss, time really does heal all wounds. I am thankful for all the positive people in my life, I look at my life and I thank God because I am indeed truly blessed, my circumstances or situations does not define who I am or what I am because I know where I am coming from and I have experienced so much grace.
You are welcome to share your experience with me and let us walk on this journey together.